Tuesday, July 18, 2017

My mother's hands

I just got off the phone with my doctor's office to have my pinky finger looked at. I noticed two days ago that the finger was bent at the top knuckle, and swollen. It didn't really hurt, though once I noticed it it was hard not to continuously notice it. The finger has now started to hurt a little, so it seems best to have it looked at.
But, my finger is the least of my troubles right now. I've been fending off anxiety for the few days, with pretty good success for a while there. But the butterflies have had full range of my stomach for a few hours now, my shoulders are tensed, I can't sit still, and I really just want to have a good cry. There is no good reason for this panic attack, though I guess there rarely is. I mean, there's a lot going on - Thea is preparing to go to college in just over a month while battling her own issues, I'm beginning my post-graduate program at the end of August, the current president is a greedy, self-absorbed corporate tool using the presidency for financial gain at the expense of people and the planet - so, yea, there are lots of reasons to panic.
But, what I think I'm grappling with is the look of this bent little finger. My hand is starting to look like my mother's hands. And I would like very much to hold my mother's hands.